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America has lost its sense of humor.

It's true. Like rock 'n' roll, the tan M&M, and smoking in hospitals, humor has left our world.

How did it happen? Why is this important? Who got voted out of the house of prostitutes and washed up celebrity rappers this week? None of it matters, really. The important thing is that we have each other and I have a website. I have a website because I paid $57 to have one. I made that $57 doing what I do best - I'll think of what goes here later.

To be half serious, George W. Bush's "War on Terror" also declared war on laughter. All of a sudden, you couldn't say "I'm going to blow up everyone in this airport" in the airport. Kids weren't allowed to draw pictures of Saddam Hussein burning down their school anymore. Everyone became a terrorist. We even got a color-coded system for how "not funny" things are.

The executives loved it. Their research determined that it was harder to sell shit to a smartass. It's the smartasses that make trouble. Smartasses blow whistles. What happened to them? They moved to Japan, that's what. Everyone's laughing up a storm over there.

On the other side of the political spectrum, another kind of executive was born - the one that made money selling products to keep intellectuals depressed and insecure. They sold us political correctness, alt porn, tight jeans and the blog. Who was going to speak out against these corporate villians if the opposition is too fragile to leave the house today? Who is going to write a manifesto if everyone's too bummed about Jim not telling Pam how he feels on The Office? No one. And all the rest are playing video games and pretending to be elves and witches.

So that's where I come in - unqualified, one-sided, ill-researched and with no answers. The only thing I can do is make fun of things. Point out the little hairs of life that grow the wrong way. I know history before 1990. I don't watch T.V. I read Ann Coulter for laughs. I miss smoking in bars even though I don't smoke. What's that all mean? Nothing. Why are you still reading this?

I have a manifesto. I'm asking America and the world to go get a dog and pet it. Go on, pet the dog. Get it out. Don't get a cat. Cats don't give a shit. Get a dog. After you get a dog, and you pet it, go make yourself a sandwich. Put a little extra mustard on it - go ahead, load it up. If you don't like mustard, learn how to like it. I hate mustard so don't look at me. How was that sandwich, good? Great. Now take a deep breath and repeat after me-

I, (your name here), will stop being not funny. I will learn how to be funny and I will be funny while doing so. I will stop trying to be everyone's friend. I will tell that guy or girl I despise that they are "a asshole" right to their face. I will not say "an asshole." I will say "a asshole" because even though it is grammatically incorrect, it puts a pause between "a" and "asshole" which really drives the point home for my asshole friend. I will admit that I do not have ethnically diverse friends because I have been raised on self-identity and that's not my fault because human beings are naturally discriminant. If they weren't, they would have chosen to read Anderson Cooper's blog over Jeffrey Hill's Happy Manifesto. I will realize that I will never truly understand a foreign culture based on my college education and that wikipedia does not capture how it feels to be poor. I will stop pretending that avant garde is genius because it is clearly not. I will stop imagining that I am an authoritative source of culture and that my vocabulary says a lot about who I am. I will never use the word "ennui" ever again. I will go outside and dress for comfort and convenience. My objects of gratification do not need to have tattoos or read good books. They just have to be naked. Witty, observational humor was invented a long time ago. Vinyl records are obsolete. If musicians 50 years ago had the technology we have today, they would have sucked that shit up. I will stop falling in love with tweed, 70s brown, kitsch, and anything obscure. Nobody cares how much alcohol I can drink. In fact, most people find it to be quite sad. Celebrity news does not interest me anymore. Britney Spears is rich and I'm not. Paris Hilton is rich because she fell out of a rich vagina. She wins. I'm over it now. Dane Cook is not funny, he's loud. Superbad is not hilarious. All great comedians are Jewish (I'm not Jewish). Comedy is inherent in their culture and they are not afraid to disagree with the majority. Yes, things are really bad in the government right now, but what's more important is that I have shit to do today. Most comedy occurs around me, I don't create it. People are hilarious because they are stupid. We learn by doing stupid things. We learn even more when someone calls us stupid after doing something stupid. I will be a tough sell for corporate and media interests. I will tell them that I know better and that they have to work hard to impress me. I will be strong in the face of unfunny. I will be me - an idiot with no clues, no real qualifications, no attention span and a lot of catching up to do.

BACK TO TOP
WHO IS JEFFREY HILL?
WHO IS RUTHERFORD B. HAYES?
I'M HUNGRY...
HOW DO THEY MAKE ROAD SIGNS?

There was a time when America had
a real sense of humor.

Fortune 500 companies realized that
when people are happy,
they buy less stuff.

And so began the war on funny...

And America lost its sense of humor.
Look at this guy... just pathetic.

Humor changed. This guy helped
turn it into an insecure 12-year-old.

"Are you in 'dere, humah?" asks a
desperate John F. Kennedy.

Can I save humor? Am I the last hope?
Probably not. Is my aura
Photoshopped here? You betcha!